Fatherhood

I listened to a sermon this morning that mentioned seeing the joy in a child from simple pleasures, and how the Father has so much joy in His children. Not the joy we have contained within us, but the joy He has in being our Father. That really struck a chord in my heart and grabbed me in a way I haven't felt in a little while. Part of that came from hanging out with some parents and their infant son last night, and spending more time recently around middle schoolers. It had me so strongly desiring to lead and raise a son. I think about it somewhat frequently and often consider how hard fatherhood will be, giving up the best of my life for him. And knowing in the end, he could throw away everything I give him and walk a life of destruction (kinda a heavy transition there).

With that thought, God reminded me it's not about sacrificing for my son, but rather being obedient to the Lord. By giving my all for my son, I am serving the Lord, which will have lasting impact in various ways; the outcome of my son's life isn't the lone consequence. Whether my son takes hold of what is offered or leaves it is out of my control. My focus should be on loving and serving God and my son the best I can, not trying to be the best father my mind can imagine. Putting your efforts into serving a person/idea/cause can lead to bitterness and disappointment if/when it's not returned. But the Lord never disappoints and richly rewards His servants with eternal gifts beyond our comprehension.

And reflecting on all this brings my attention to the steps that need to take place before any of this is a reality in my life. At one moment, I feel like an immature adolescent enjoying a fairly free schedule and the flexibility to do whatever I want. Then in the next breath comes on the angst of impatience and the drive to force a relationship, even if it seems godly. Caught in the cross hairs of confusion. And I generally have found that confusion reigns when I'm trying to make my own will happen. But what even is that will right now?

If it wasn't for God's hand and peace in my life, I feel I'd have legitimate reason to freak out. But worry was made unnecessary at Calvary. This isn't quite the worst of painful trials that Peter speaks of, but I do think it's a form of trial. And I will and do indeed rejoice in this type of emotional/mental “suffering”/battling, because I know God is refining me, and the outcome will be worth the fight. No, the process itself is worth the fight, because it draws me closer to my Father. Man, God is good. May His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.

Excerpt from A.W. Tozer's "The Price of Neglect"

"Dear Lord, I refuse henceforth to compete with any of Thy servants. They have congregations larger than mine. So be it. I rejoice in their success. They have greater gifts. Very well. That is not in their power nor in mine. I am humbly grateful for their greater gifts and my smaller ones. I only pray that I may use to Thy glory such modest gifts as I possess. I will not compare myself with any, nor try to build up my self-esteem by noting where I may excel one or another in Thy holy work. I herewith make a blanket disavowal of all intrinsic worth. I am but an unprofitable servant. I gladly go to the foot of the cross and own myself the least of Thy people. If I err in my self judgment and actually underestimate myself I do not want to know it. I purpose to pray for others and to rejoice in their prosperity as if it were my own. And indeed it is my own if it is Thine own, for what is Thine is mine, and while one plants and another waters it is Thou alone that giveth the increase."

Starving

As I heated up lunch today, I was again thinking of how grateful I am
(and wish I was) for all the Lord provides. It feels impossible to
not take for granted the fact that I'll have decent (at a minimum)
meals available to me everyday, whenever I want them. How much would
have to change for me to be without a meal? Even if I lost the great
job the Lord has provided for me, there's still the bank account that
He has entrusted to me. And if that dried up, then there's the
friends, family, and church body the Lord has graciously given to me.
And I realized just how far from the reality of starving I really am;
seriously, that's a lot of levels to go through before I'm on the
street begging. I hope and pray I don't take it for granted and
assume I deserve any of it; I haven't done a thing except accept Him.
I won't dare delve into why there are poor and hungry people in
abundance. I guess I hope as well that I don't forget that this
provision isn't just "all for me." God is good.

Day to Day

Such freedom is found in knowing that my walk with God is about the day-to-day living and interaction with Him, not about achieving some sort of “spiritual level” in life. It really takes a weight off my chest, letting me breathe again after I've weighed myself down with the pressures and anxieties of task-based Christianity. I'm saved by faith, not by works. Sometimes I still feel like I have to do certain things. Nope. I don't. Of course, there are spiritual disciplines to pursue, and I want to move towards the things that draw me closer to God and give me greater knowledge of and intimacy with Him. But I am already saved and justified by Christ's blood. Can't add to that.

Funny how doing things for people can be driven more out of wanting to be a certain type of person rather than a love for people or for God. Once you realize you're still not that person, that kind of kindness fades quickly. Needs to be for Him, with strength from Him.

Also, I'm seeing over time how God has been changing me into the man I'd rather be, but am unable to be on my own. Still don't like the time lag. But it's His timing (and to some degree a factor of my own willingness) that determines this path before me, and what lies behind. If I truly view these scant years on this Earth as preparation for eternity, which is something I cannot possibly prepare myself for, then the pressure is off of me and on the Lord. And He's someone I can trust to get the job done.

Micah 6:8 “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Philippians 1:6 “...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Flowers from God

Imagine a husband coming home with a dozen tulips, giving them to his wife, and saying “I love you.” Now imagine the wife turning for her purse and getting money to pay for the gift. How do you think the husband would feel?

God loves us freely, thanks to the price paid by Jesus Christ. He showers us with love and gifts. I know I have a hard time receiving them. My first reaction is, “Well, I must it give away to others” or “I must do something out of response.” To just sit there and receive God’s gifts is so hard. I feel like the wife turning for her purse. Perhaps it’s still a humility issue, I don’t know. Perhaps as well I don’t trust that I will respond “the way I’m supposed to” if I just receive and stop there. But I know that isn’t true. Letting God shape and fill me will lead to an overflow of His goodness in me. Sigh.

God is good. I’m still learning how to receive His love. In light of recent world events, I’ve been more prone to quickly say “Why me?” when getting His gifts. But that question implies “Why do I deserve it?”, which is falsely loaded. We don’t deserve it. We’re not given flowers because we earned them. We’re given flowers because He loves us.

Listen

Lately I feel that I haven’t been able to hear from the Lord very clearly, or really much at all. That’s pretty troubling when you rely on Him for guidance, wisdom, and direction. It’s been frustrating.

Experience has taught me that most often the times I can’t hear Him are the times I’m holding onto some want or desire so tightly that I start to block His voice. This time seemed to be no exception, as there indeed is something that has come up that I’ve wanted very badly. However, even before this desire arose, He in His perfect wisdom clearly and repeatedly told me to wait on Him. As was the case of the Israelites throughout the Old Testament, and really is with all of humanity, when you put boundaries on a situation, you find yourself wanting to go to the limit. Oh, the fallen flesh.

So I haven’t felt I’ve been able to hear Him, and there was a seemingly obvious reason to the riddle. But I did feel that I was willing to lay down the desire (though I can’t really convince myself of me ever truly being sacrificial). I felt that there was something more to the situation. It certainly had me pressing in and crying out harder than normal; I saw that as potential fruit of the silence. A few nights ago as I went to bed, I didn’t want sleep. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His assurance. I prayed:

“Lord, if You won’t speak tonight, then I will seek you in the morning. And if You don’t speak in the morning, I will seek you during the day. And God, if you don’t speak then, I will seek you tomorrow night. And my Lord, if you don’t speak tomorrow night, I will seek you the following morning.”

(Sigh) I then prayed that I would really mean it. There was something freeing about that prayer, as though the enemy had me on the verge of turning away from Him in part, but then I pressed in and trusted even more.

Tuesday morning was special. God decided to speak through a song, one I’ve heard plenty of times before (“Broken” by Lifehouse). As I came to an intersection on my drive to work, the surroundings made me think of that desire I spoke of. After drifting in thought, the song came on... and pretty much every lyric hit me in ways they haven’t before. At one point, I remembered the upcoming verse and nearly lost it. The specificity to various aspects of what I was going through was deeply touching. The song ended as I pulled into the parking lot. I was so grateful. Did I hear everything I wanted answers to? No. But He reminded me He’s listening.

Later that day, I was struggling with insecurities; at one point I texted a friend asking for prayer. That day and night, I felt that I needed to focus on what the Lord thought of me as opposed to my own assumptions on what others thought, but because I interpreted the bulk of my current problem being selfishness and self-centeredness, dwelling on His thoughts about me didn’t seem appropriate. I felt a bit discouraged (and lazy), wanting some short list so I didn’t have to dig through the bible to find these thoughts. I let it go and tried to focus on asking God for a heart for outreach and a focus on others.

This morning, I received a random email forwarded from my great-grandmother. When I opened it, I saw sentences positioned to form the shape of a bell. “Hmm...okay.” The sentences formed a list, entitled “The Bell”. And the first line read, “I Know Who I Am”, and was followed by 30 statements with scripture references about who God says we are. The only thing that kept a stream of tears from flowing was the shock of the reality of what just happened. I was stunned. This time He spoke through an email, showing me again, “Yes, I’m listening...”

These events would not have touched me the way they did without the yearning He’s caused in me. I do believe that His silence has been training for my ears. Though I wish to always have a direct, clear connection, I see Him working in me to trust and move ahead in truths He’s already spoken.

I still have questions. I still would like answers. That aforementioned desire remains. But I shall wait upon the Lord, and listen for His voice. If He decides to speak bountifully, I’ll gladly take it. If He decides to speak sparingly, then may I seek Him all the more, and may my life be worship unto Him, my Wise Counselor, my Savior, my God.