Listen

Lately I feel that I haven’t been able to hear from the Lord very clearly, or really much at all. That’s pretty troubling when you rely on Him for guidance, wisdom, and direction. It’s been frustrating.

Experience has taught me that most often the times I can’t hear Him are the times I’m holding onto some want or desire so tightly that I start to block His voice. This time seemed to be no exception, as there indeed is something that has come up that I’ve wanted very badly. However, even before this desire arose, He in His perfect wisdom clearly and repeatedly told me to wait on Him. As was the case of the Israelites throughout the Old Testament, and really is with all of humanity, when you put boundaries on a situation, you find yourself wanting to go to the limit. Oh, the fallen flesh.

So I haven’t felt I’ve been able to hear Him, and there was a seemingly obvious reason to the riddle. But I did feel that I was willing to lay down the desire (though I can’t really convince myself of me ever truly being sacrificial). I felt that there was something more to the situation. It certainly had me pressing in and crying out harder than normal; I saw that as potential fruit of the silence. A few nights ago as I went to bed, I didn’t want sleep. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His assurance. I prayed:

“Lord, if You won’t speak tonight, then I will seek you in the morning. And if You don’t speak in the morning, I will seek you during the day. And God, if you don’t speak then, I will seek you tomorrow night. And my Lord, if you don’t speak tomorrow night, I will seek you the following morning.”

(Sigh) I then prayed that I would really mean it. There was something freeing about that prayer, as though the enemy had me on the verge of turning away from Him in part, but then I pressed in and trusted even more.

Tuesday morning was special. God decided to speak through a song, one I’ve heard plenty of times before (“Broken” by Lifehouse). As I came to an intersection on my drive to work, the surroundings made me think of that desire I spoke of. After drifting in thought, the song came on... and pretty much every lyric hit me in ways they haven’t before. At one point, I remembered the upcoming verse and nearly lost it. The specificity to various aspects of what I was going through was deeply touching. The song ended as I pulled into the parking lot. I was so grateful. Did I hear everything I wanted answers to? No. But He reminded me He’s listening.

Later that day, I was struggling with insecurities; at one point I texted a friend asking for prayer. That day and night, I felt that I needed to focus on what the Lord thought of me as opposed to my own assumptions on what others thought, but because I interpreted the bulk of my current problem being selfishness and self-centeredness, dwelling on His thoughts about me didn’t seem appropriate. I felt a bit discouraged (and lazy), wanting some short list so I didn’t have to dig through the bible to find these thoughts. I let it go and tried to focus on asking God for a heart for outreach and a focus on others.

This morning, I received a random email forwarded from my great-grandmother. When I opened it, I saw sentences positioned to form the shape of a bell. “Hmm...okay.” The sentences formed a list, entitled “The Bell”. And the first line read, “I Know Who I Am”, and was followed by 30 statements with scripture references about who God says we are. The only thing that kept a stream of tears from flowing was the shock of the reality of what just happened. I was stunned. This time He spoke through an email, showing me again, “Yes, I’m listening...”

These events would not have touched me the way they did without the yearning He’s caused in me. I do believe that His silence has been training for my ears. Though I wish to always have a direct, clear connection, I see Him working in me to trust and move ahead in truths He’s already spoken.

I still have questions. I still would like answers. That aforementioned desire remains. But I shall wait upon the Lord, and listen for His voice. If He decides to speak bountifully, I’ll gladly take it. If He decides to speak sparingly, then may I seek Him all the more, and may my life be worship unto Him, my Wise Counselor, my Savior, my God.

Whirlwind

The past 3 or so weeks have been a whirlwind. Going back a bit before that, I had a dream about a friend from high school who I hadn’t thought of in years, and I strongly felt the Lord wanted me to contact His “lost son”. I did, and after sharing my testimony and some scripture, God used that as a pivotal part of this friend’s recent salvation. Wow. I mean, wow. I had some feeling that God was up to something, but to see Him move like that, and use me for some part of it...wow.

Mid-October, I went to the Dominican Republic on a missions trip, serving with Mission Emanuel. They operate a couple schools, a clinic, and a church in a village about 20 minutes west of Santo Domingo, the capital. The trip was intense and absolutely amazing. It started with us actually missing our flight. But I had told God I was giving this whole week to Him, so if He wanted us in the DR, He had to get us there! We got there the next day and immediately went to the mission and started setting up the physical therapy room (for special needs children) in the clinic. As I saw the PTs work on the children, God drove something home. My mind likes to constantly think in terms of efficiency and effectiveness. To work on a child for a bit, knowing he needs more help, seemed like a misallocation of resources or, in some coldly logical way, a waste of time (“not good enough”). But what I did learn was the heart of “do what you can where you are.” It’s not just about the body, but also about the soul. Love on God’s people. If you can do all that is needed, great. But at least do what you can. He puts us where He wants us. (My being in the DR was a testimony in itself; I had battled some depression around the decision time, wasn’t going to go, but an associate pastor rightfully challenged me on it and didn’t let me fade away).

And this was just from the first day.

I got to walk around the village and meet lots of people; also got to pray for many. The people are so warm and welcoming. You walk by, say “Hola!”, and they invite you in to sit and talk and commune. It’s beautiful.

Played with lots of kids, which was great. DID get to play a little frisbee, which I was most anticipating (shallow?...maybe...but it was fun :). Got in a little carpentry work; okay, I just sanded and caulked a bit, but it’s fun to say I did carpentry work.

The most singularly impactful event was when I assisted in the dental clinic. One morning, the power was out (a common occurrence) and the generator was broken (not so easily absorbable). Performing dentistry without power isn’t exactly a favored endeavor of the professionals. They needed some extra help, people to do their best mechanical arm impersonation and hold a flashlight for the doc. When Anna, one of the staff workers, came around to ask for help, I held back; let’s say it was to let others have the opportunity first. Thankfully for me, someone stepped up and went. And lo and behold, a few minutes later Anna was back, asking for more help (there were two dental chairs). She gave me a “please help” look, and I went. And God showed me again how He gets us where He wants us.

I ended up holding a flashlight while Mark, the dentist, pulled 25 teeth from a 13 year old girl; she had a lot of infection and the teeth were rotting to the gum line. Mark said if she hadn’t had this done, she may not have lived much longer. So I stood there, positioned the flashlight, and watched tooth after tooth come out...

...and this brave little girl never showed any fear or shed any tears. After a while, I did start to get a bit woozy (no a/c and lots of blood) and took a break. I found a solitary spot, sat down, and cried. I mourned sin, the brokenness and pain that has entered the world because of a stupid apple (I was a bit angry at that moment...obviously it wasn’t about the apple). It was a very intense crying, what I think I’d call mourning in the Spirit, or something like that; it wasn’t simply me weeping. God did remind me of the healing and redemption He has brought (“look around”) and is bringing. Praise be to God.

Other stuff happened, but you can ask me if you’re interested. It was a great trip and I do hope to return sometime soon.

God, being the type that just can’t help Himself but keep blowing my mind, had something else very special in store. During the trip, there was a father and daughter on the team; they had a great relationship, being best friends. God put some things on my heart to write to them, so I wrote a little note pointing out that relationship and how much of a blessing it was. I mentioned how my mother was estranged from her dad, that it had been very hard, and how so many others are in similar circumstance. I gave this note to the father on the day we left, Saturday.

After church the next day (back home), I called my mother and we talked for a bit. I told her how I was taking an hour or so before going to play frisbee to just zone out and try to recover from all the intense emotions, burden of sharing, etc. from the trip. Then she proceeded to tell me how, out of the blue, my grandfather had contacted her, and they met on that very Saturday I gave the note, and reconciled. I was floored to begin with, then I remembered writing the note, and I had to tell my mom I’d call her back. I got on my face and cried and worshipped God. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I was an emotional mess in the best way. God’s healing is incredible.

So, all that was a lot. “But there’s more...” At the end of my first week back, I was laid off from my job. It wasn’t an absolute surprise, and I had already been looking for something else. When my boss called me into his office, I knew. I was pretty calm and completely trusted the Lord to provide. As I shared a couple days later at church, having see Him provide for those in the DR, how could I worry? It would be illogical. God promises so much to us. He doesn’t necessarily promise to give us what we want, but He does promise to give us what is good. And one of the greatest promises is that we don’t need to worry about anything. So, I trusted Him to provide. Now, trusting Him after praying for a little while and reading scripture and feeling great is one thing. But then the practical side hits, as I’m scrolling through jobs and not knowing what in the world to do. The enemy wanted to get me riled up and frustrated, but God gave me much grace to cast everything unto Him.

The first week of not working was harder than I expected. I faced tough temptations of various kinds, and they were worse than I anticipated. But somehow, someway, He got me through it all. I was determined to let Him work, trusting in His sovereignty. It was tempting to worry about needing to do more, etc. But I kept letting it go and doing what I could and trusting. Yesterday, I got a call, and within the hour I had a short-term contract position starting today with an old employer, doing what I like to do best (Access/VBA developing). And counting the new pay rate and severance I got, I ended up with more than I would have had if everything stayed status quo. God’s good like that. I was welcomed by lots of familiar faces, lots of smiles, “good to see you”s, “you’ve lost weight!”s, and the like.

The national average unemployment length right now is 6 months; mine lasted 6 days. I shake my head and close my eyes in amazement at the Lord’s hand.

I’ve struggled at times with the thought of “Why all this for ME?” Many others are struggling. But God reminded me that it isn’t all for me (I’m to be generous), and it’s His plan.

I could rattle off a long list of things I haven’t done in my walk/life that I should have, and vice versa. But a major factor in my growth is knowing that list doesn’t matter at all, and I’m able to let go of it as I dive into God’s grace.

So, a crazy involvement in a salvation, an incredible missions trip, an unexpected reunion with grandparents, a job loss, and a job gain. It’s been a whirlwind. And it’s an answer to prayer, much prayer, by me and by so many wonderful brothers and sisters who have stood by and supported me. I’m eternally grateful for them all. And I’m eternally indebted and thankful for my amazing Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Community

God’s stirring something. Alright, that’s a really bland/general/duh statement. Okay, specifics. God’s stirring community here in Jacksonville. Hmm…still general. Let’s try: God’s stirring deeper community in my heart and in the hearts of others. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

Over a recent period of time, I’ve realized I need deeper spiritual intimacy with my close brothers and sisters than I’ve had. I think the dangerous “Christian culture” has slipped in and settled quite comfortably. For a while, I’ve been satisfied with just hanging out with Christians, having fun moments together. And that’s good and I feel to be desired and sought, in its proper place/proportion. But when that’s as deep as it gets on a regular basis…I need more.

Now, bringing this up demands definition. What is community? What does the Bible say about how we are to live with each other? What I’m I looking for? Spoiler alert: this note will NOT answer all that :). My, that would be a chore not only beyond my ability/knowledge, but beyond my pressure-bearing point as well. But hopefully this can spark discussion, here or in person, within my community and within other ones.

Acts 2:42 (and more in the chapter) is often used to help define community: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” That doesn’t seem hard. I mean, really, is there anything in there that’s difficult? Oh, wait, we’re people. We get distracted, we have emotions that take us in various directions, we struggle with sin, etc. Yeah, that makes it a bit tougher. But obviously does not make it impossible.

So, deeper community. Maybe I’ll just go with some of my own thoughts/desires, and continue from there. I want to be truly “involved” in others’ lives, in knowing how they’re really doing, how I can be of help to them, how I can pray for them…and to actually pray with them. I’ve read recently about how the Body of Christ is a place for people to be accepted and known, and a safe place to grow because of acceptance. I want to help make that safe place, and I myself need it. Symbiotic beauty of intentional Christ-centered community…it’s good.

I discussed this topic over lunch the other day with a good friend. Both our hearts yearn for this, yet at times, perhaps most of the time, we feel somewhat helpless/lost in how to go about it. I do think this kind of community takes commitment, and it can be awkward, to me, to go through some form of “are you committed to this?” stage. But there comes a point where we must advance forward in our walks, and I feel this is something that has to happen. I’ve seen so many scriptures point to the idea that we’re either gaining life or we’re dying. The middle ground (think lukewarm) cannot sustain.

This all takes sacrifice. I’m not sure in what ways it will reveal itself for me, but I will have to sacrifice for this. That’s hard. I’m selfish. I don’t like sacrificing. But though sacrifice feels like death, without it, we will die a slow death, indeed. I’m in agreement with my friends who say we don’t want to live a mediocre life, have a mediocre walk with the Lord. And that’s going to be costly. Sigh.

So, what does this look like? How does this start? (Some/most of this application may be more for my situation specifically, where we have a small “core” group of friends already). I think sometimes that may be to pray, then to go out and do something fun. Sometimes to pray, and go somewhere God leads us and help someone/people. Sometimes to pray, and to stay and pray some more. There’s no perfect formula, no set program or way to do this. It does take a group of people, who’s hearts are prepared by the Lord and enabled by the Holy Spirit, to come together and be of one heart and united in seeking the Lord and His kingdom. You don’t find that just anywhere, or randomly. It’s intentional, yet God-given and God-grown.

Life is hard. We need each other to carry on; relationships are one amazing way God grants grace and helps us persevere. We can’t make it in this race alone. We weren’t designed to do it that way. I want to challenge you to pray over these things, and to discuss them with your community. If you don’t have one, seek out others who are seeking the Lord. I feel trite in saying that, but do it. If you are in a community that maybe isn’t quite what you desire, be the change that you seek. And trust me, don’t do THAT on your own; go to God for the strength necessary.

Our Father’s heart is for His people to be in right relations with each other, spurring one another on, building one another up. Let’s do that.

Oh, and Acts 2:47: “…praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” Don’t forget to be out-reaching. I’ve seen really good communities dissolve because they became inward-focused only. There’s a balance, as you do need to look after the health of the “internal” relationships. But don’t settle there. Bring others into the fold. That’s Jesus’ heart.

Victory

So I have been going through a tough season of late. Well, I really don’t want to use that phrase, but I don’t know the best way to describe it. In generalities, there have been some strongholds I’ve had to face, one in particular of great impediment. But over time, I’ve seen that much of my sin is really just a symptom of some deeper problem.

There have been countless nights I’ve gone to bed, crying out to God, saying I don’t what things to be like this. I’ve felt helpless in my struggles, though that’s been hard to accept because I know I have a will and have felt I should be able to choose the “right” thing. I’m convinced of the Lord’s love and goodness, and I couldn’t imagine Him doing more for me than He’s done; I feel He’s given me the ability to walk in His light. So that leads me to conclude that I must have to do something different, because He’s already doing His part. What you end up with there is the idea of “I have to fix myself”, a pretty big lie.

Wednesday night, as I was driving home from playing frisbee, the thought came to me that perhaps this was a season, a season of struggle that the Lord wanted me to get through. I was very nervous to accept this, because it actually gave me hope (though claiming to love logic, I'm quite often irrational :). Still had a hard night, but something somewhat clicked there.

Then, there was Thursday morning. I don’t imagine ever forgetting this day. I woke up really tired, in a crabby mood, snoozed a bunch, just didn’t want to get up at all. I really think God uses those times on purpose :). On this morning, I finished the book of Hosea. Chapter 14 is incredible. Really. If you’re unfamiliar with it, here’s your background: imagine a people doing the worst possible things to a God who loved them the most. Then read the chapter. The rest of this note can wait.

In verse 2, Hosea exhorts the people to take words of repentance and return to the Lord. The whole middle section is deeply moving, portraying God’s unending love for His people. The chapter ends with this: (v.9) “Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who is discerning? He will understand them. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.” After reading it, I was challenged to follow this message, and to bring words to the Lord in repentance.

But how do I repent of things I keep turning back to? Eventually you get dizzy after turning to the Lord, then back to sin, then back to the Lord, etc. I’ve questioned if I’ve truly repented of something if I later go back to it. I did forget here a teaching I’ve heard in the past that dismisses this worry, basically saying that though you may stumble, if you’re heart is truly turned to the Lord, that is repentance. I didn’t consider this wisdom until later, so at the moment I was struggling. I knew what I needed to do, but felt unable to do even something as seemingly easy as bring words to the Lord. But God was gracious, and He gave me the words. I repented and cried out for help. I also cried out about the near constant voice of condemnation I feel I’ve had for as long as I can remember. I know some of it has been me being hard on myself, but much of it has been the enemy. I sat there broken, helpless. As I cried out, I felt Him say, “Okay.” And I felt something physically change within me (won’t bother trying to explain it exactly). The voice was gone. Seriously. And the whole day was absolutely unbelievable. The condemnation was gone. The specific hurtful/sinful desire I had been struggling with was gone. I felt a freedom that I honestly do not think I’ve ever had before. Our God is mighty and sovereign and powerful.

I do think much of my struggles have been due to problems with acceptance, something I recently wrote about. I think the sin issues have been a symptom of the condemnation, a way to try to soothe the pain. I’ve known that I needed deeper healing, not just a band aid for the surface level problem. And He provided that. After a season.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Prov 3:4-5)

God’s been teaching me a lot about grace and acceptance and forgiveness. This moment seemed to be a sort of culmination. And I say that not in whole, as I have so much more to learn and experience.

I do admit that the whole day Thursday was quite a mountaintop experience itself. I know not to expect that as the norm, but to enjoy it when He graces us with it. He gives us those moments to help us through the valleys.

For anyone struggling now, hold on. It feels so banal/cliché/insufficient to say that. But for those who truly believe in God’s power, it is rivers of living water, hope in a dry desert. And I say that to others in hope that they will remind me when I’m in the valley, in the desert.

Praise God for His faithfulness. Hallelujah, and Amen.

Acceptance

God gave me this blog early Sunday morning. Been busy/drained till now.
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Recently, a few friends have said I’ve challenged them. Great. I mean, really, I am grateful the Lord uses me. But so often it doesn’t feel like “enough.” And I question, “What’s my purpose?”

I know the general purpose of my life: to praise and worship God, and to bring Him glory. Really, to just “be” with Him. I so often question if I’m doing that. I think at times it seems to be that I am doing those things, but so often not. I feel if I ask certain people close to me (especially my mother), they’ll say I am. But I dismiss it so easily (and foolishly). I have such a high need for affirmation, yet I truly seek affirmation from the harshest critic, whoever that may be (I’m not thinking of anyone in particular). It’s like, “If I can get their affirmation, then I really know I’m doing things correctly.” Umm…“What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather, discovered in this matter? If, in fact, Abraham was justified by works, he had something to boast about—but not before God. What does the Scripture say? ‘Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness (Romans 4:1-3).’”

So, A or B: do I think God’s acceptance isn’t enough (pride? confusion?), or do I not truly believe I am completely accepted?

Hmm…

Prayer quotes

Some quotes on prayer, numbered for your commenting pleasure. Pass these on.

1. Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan. – John Bunyan

2. Of all the duties enjoined by Christianity none is more essential yet more neglected than prayer. – Francois Fènelon

3. To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

4. There is a mighty lot of difference between saying prayers and praying. – John G. Lake

5. Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire? – Corrie Ten Boom

6. Those who know God the best are the richest and most powerful in prayer. Little acquaintance with God, and strangeness and coldness to Him, make prayer a rare and feeble thing. – E.M. Bounds

7. Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work. – Oswald Chambers

8. There is nothing that makes us love a man so much as praying for him. – William Law

9. When a Christian shuns fellowship with other Christians, the devil smiles. When he stops studying the Bible, the devil laughs. When he stops praying, the devil shouts for joy. – Corrie Ten Boom

10. Rich is the person who has a praying friend. – Janice Hughes

11. Prayer is not so much an act as it is an attitude – an attitude of dependency, dependency upon God. – Andrew W. Pink

12. If you are sick, fast and pray; if the language is hard to learn, fast and pray; if the people will not hear you, fast and pray; if you have nothing to eat, fast and pray. – Frederick Franson

13. In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. – John Bunyan

14. Those who do not believe do not pray. This is a good functional definition of faith. Faith prays, unbelief does not. – John A. Hardon

15. If you can’t pray a door open, don’t pry it open. – Lyell Rader

16. The lover of silence draws close to God. He talks to Him in secret and God enlightens him. – John Climacus

17. The Holy Ghost does not flow through methods, but through men. He does not come on machinery, but on men. He does not anoint plans, but men…Men of prayer. – E.M. Bounds

18. God’s answers are wiser than our prayers. – Unknown

19. Grant that I may not pray alone with the mouth; help me that I may pray from the depths of my heart. – Martin Luther

20. A servant of the Lord stands bodily before men, but mentally he is knocking at the gates of heaven with prayer. – John Climacus

21. I have so much to do that I spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it. – John Wesley

22. We must alter our lives in order to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another. – William Law

23. Pray, and let God worry. – Martin Luther

24. Pray without ceasing. – Paul