So things haven’t been too great with me and God. Still lots
of frustrations and roadblocks and fears and reliance on understanding and
such. Guess that isn’t new. Anyway, I had a good convo with another friend
(this seems to be a helpful theme in my life) which helped thaw some of the
chill between me and Jesus. I’m still so frustrated about my purpose and things
of that nature, and when confronting it, numerous other blocks help to derail
attempts to right things. Hmm, I’ll just let me understand what that means
because I don’t know if I could explain succinctly or at all.
I finally started to pray and confront things. Trying to be
present and okay with where I’m at in life, and with who I am. That’s really
hard. Really hard. This morning I just prayed that God would use me how He sees
fit, asking Him to bring up opportunities where He can move.
I had games with my Ultimate Frisbee league tonight. And
this guy (who apparently is on one of my teams) that I had never met introduces
himself. A little bit of convo happened, more his initiation (it’s rarely ever
mine, something I struggle with). But I had the choice to push into it further,
which I did (because I was more open due to my heart’s position with the Lord).
He shared some struggles he’s been having, that he’s trying to overcome some
strongholds, find better, healthier friends. He dropped the word “blessed” at
some point, so I brought up church and community. He’s in between churches and
looking for one. I was able to direct him to a friend’s church that’s not too
far from where he lives. Who knows how this plays out, but I knew within a few
sentences of us talking that God was up to something.
That was awesome, an answer to prayer. Then the second game
we played went short and I threw the disc with another guy for a while. He
asked if I went to UNF (again, other person starting the convo), which led to a
longer talk touching on him looking to get his MBA as well, working for a
similar company like mine, moving to the beaches soon, looking for a church, biking
enthusiasm. Uh… am I really socializing out of the normal parameters of my
typical comfort zone? And it’s feeling natural? And I’m not forcing it?
No, this isn’t the first time it’s ever happened. I’ve had a
few similar experiences, but still the thing I’m realizing may be my biggest
battle is fighting preconceptions of how God may want to work. Seriously, I don’t
think I doubt God’s abilities very much (though I certainly still grapple with
His love for me). But I yearn for the box to contain an uncontainable God. Maybe
I think understanding is safe, I’m not sure. And I get scared to get excited
because I SO want God to bring His kingdom and use me… that when the results
don’t follow a line I’m tracking in my head… I get confused or doubtful or hurt
or disappointed. Hmm.
So apparently I haven’t disqualified myself from His
service. Done enough to deserve such, but I suppose nothing can get between us
and His love. Yeah.
No, this isn’t a one night fix-all. But it’s something
important, and I want to praise God for it. I still don’t know my role, my part
to play, but I can be myself and try to be open to whatever the most creative
Being can come up with. Haha. That’s exciting and scary.
God is good. And faithful. He loves me even when I hate me. I
don’t get it.
Thank You Lord. Amen.
