Experience has taught me that most often the times I can’t hear Him are the times I’m holding onto some want or desire so tightly that I start to block His voice. This time seemed to be no exception, as there indeed is something that has come up that I’ve wanted very badly. However, even before this desire arose, He in His perfect wisdom clearly and repeatedly told me to wait on Him. As was the case of the Israelites throughout the Old Testament, and really is with all of humanity, when you put boundaries on a situation, you find yourself wanting to go to the limit. Oh, the fallen flesh.
So I haven’t felt I’ve been able to hear Him, and there was a seemingly obvious reason to the riddle. But I did feel that I was willing to lay down the desire (though I can’t really convince myself of me ever truly being sacrificial). I felt that there was something more to the situation. It certainly had me pressing in and crying out harder than normal; I saw that as potential fruit of the silence. A few nights ago as I went to bed, I didn’t want sleep. I wanted to hear His voice. I wanted His assurance. I prayed:
“Lord, if You won’t speak tonight, then I will seek you in the morning. And if You don’t speak in the morning, I will seek you during the day. And God, if you don’t speak then, I will seek you tomorrow night. And my Lord, if you don’t speak tomorrow night, I will seek you the following morning.”
(Sigh) I then prayed that I would really mean it. There was something freeing about that prayer, as though the enemy had me on the verge of turning away from Him in part, but then I pressed in and trusted even more.
Tuesday morning was special. God decided to speak through a song, one I’ve heard plenty of times before (“Broken” by Lifehouse). As I came to an intersection on my drive to work, the surroundings made me think of that desire I spoke of. After drifting in thought, the song came on... and pretty much every lyric hit me in ways they haven’t before. At one point, I remembered the upcoming verse and nearly lost it. The specificity to various aspects of what I was going through was deeply touching. The song ended as I pulled into the parking lot. I was so grateful. Did I hear everything I wanted answers to? No. But He reminded me He’s listening.
Later that day, I was struggling with insecurities; at one point I texted a friend asking for prayer. That day and night, I felt that I needed to focus on what the Lord thought of me as opposed to my own assumptions on what others thought, but because I interpreted the bulk of my current problem being selfishness and self-centeredness, dwelling on His thoughts about me didn’t seem appropriate. I felt a bit discouraged (and lazy), wanting some short list so I didn’t have to dig through the bible to find these thoughts. I let it go and tried to focus on asking God for a heart for outreach and a focus on others.
This morning, I received a random email forwarded from my great-grandmother. When I opened it, I saw sentences positioned to form the shape of a bell. “Hmm...okay.” The sentences formed a list, entitled “The Bell”. And the first line read, “I Know Who I Am”, and was followed by 30 statements with scripture references about who God says we are. The only thing that kept a stream of tears from flowing was the shock of the reality of what just happened. I was stunned. This time He spoke through an email, showing me again, “Yes, I’m listening...”
These events would not have touched me the way they did without the yearning He’s caused in me. I do believe that His silence has been training for my ears. Though I wish to always have a direct, clear connection, I see Him working in me to trust and move ahead in truths He’s already spoken.
I still have questions. I still would like answers. That aforementioned desire remains. But I shall wait upon the Lord, and listen for His voice. If He decides to speak bountifully, I’ll gladly take it. If He decides to speak sparingly, then may I seek Him all the more, and may my life be worship unto Him, my Wise Counselor, my Savior, my God.
